Tag Archive: #followingyourdreams


“Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat away at us,” is the nature of forgiveness.  I thank God that he placed the ability to forgive others in my heart.  I have been wronged in so many ways by teachers, co-workers, family, so-called friends and ex lovers.  I’ve even had to extend forgiveness to the man who currently holds my heart.  However, I’m not a bitter person, an angry black woman and a people hater.  I still amplify agape love.   I have really developed the talent to understand people for where they are in their own walk with God and I accept the fact that “hurt people, hurt people”.

I am a true believer in Karma.  When I became attuned as a Reiki Healer, I cleared my Karmic Debt and have become very mindful of how I treat people and what energy I put out in the world.  I am far from perfect and have added more things to my Karmic slate since then, but God knows I’m nowhere close to where I once was.  I say all that to say, treating people badly that has treated me badly does nothing for my soul.  Call me a punk, a pushover, gullible if you dare.  I just chose not to “hurt” a “hurt” person because they “hurt” me.

Sometimes it’s hard to forgive myself.  I often question agape love versus the familiarity of misery.  I am working on this daily because the people I attract are actually a mirror of myself.  I’m confident that once I learn to treat myself better and truly take on a spirit of humility, that I’ll have less instances of being hurt by others.

Galatians 5:22-23  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” 

Over the past few days, the world’s media has had non-stop coverage of the hunt and capture of the Boston Marathon bombers.  The blasts resulted in three deaths including an eight year old boy.  His death made me recount another disheartening event when twenty elementary age children were gunned down in Newtown, CT December of last year.  While driving on highways, I see Amber Alerts flashed across electronic bill boards often.  Facebook posts give daily reminders that somebody’s baby is missing with pleas for the child’s safe return.  Today, I give gratitude for God’s constant protection on me, my children, my siblings and parents.

My son, who will be turning nine this year, spends most of his waking hours during the week at school and after school.  During this time, his well being is placed in the hands of school administration, bus drivers and after school teachers.  He has never come home harmed mentally or physically.  He and I are in the car quite often, we have flown and drove across the country and he spends a lot of time outdoors with his friends.  Thank God for ensuring we, most importantly he, made it home safely.  He may be bruised and scratched up due to his adventures of being a boy king, but his injuries has been nothing that home remedies and kisses in the right places can’t fix.

As I’m preparing to give life to another child, I am grateful for the power of motherhood and God giving me the ability to create and birth life.  It’s not until I lost a child due to a miscarriage that I truly began to understand the magic of carrying life within my womb.  As an unmarried mother of two, I have struggled many days financially yet Tyler and I have NEVER been without food, shelter, clothes and love.  I know God will safeguard the newest addition to our family as well.  I love him so much so this!!

Lastly, 2013 has seen a lot of deaths, either naturally or from senseless violence.  Nearly everyone I know has been to a funeral of someone who left this earth way too soon.  I couldn’t imagine the grief of my parents having to bury me.  All parents wish to have their children out live them.  Lord knows, I’ve had my knucklehead moments.  I also travel a lot by myself and love a good adventure.  God assured that I never ended up at the wrong place at the wrong time.  I look forward to seeing my parents at my children’s graduations.

I’m so fortunate to have my family and God in my life.  I’m learning to become less controlling of every moment and give custody of my life to the creator of my life.  In this day and age it seems as if the world is going to hell in a hand basket.  Therefore, being grounded and one with God as well as consistently keeping your children, brothers, sisters and parents in prayer is a must.  Giving gratitude to God for doing just what you ask for is an additional must!

“But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children–” Psalms 103:17

 

A friend of mine did a 10-day praise challenge and mentioned that the experience was exhilarating for her. During this time of chaos in the world and my own internal conflicts, I thought a praise challenge of my own would be extremely beneficial. Many times, most of our mental energy is spent on reflecting on the why not, why me, when will the pain go away- that we neglect to take pride and honor in the blessings we already have.

Today, I give gratitude to God for his Mercy. According to Wikipedia, mercy “is a broad term that refers to benevolence, forgiveness and kindness in a variety of ethical, religious, social and legal contexts.” God has provided a shield for me in all contexts above. I’ll admit that my personal relationship with God fluctuates based upon my level of happiness. When I am the most content in my life, I tend to stray from learning and meditating on God’s word. My dedication to serving others diminishes and my prayers are said in faint tones, if at all. It’s not because I’m arrogant enough to believe God didn’t help me accomplish the elation I feel within. I just become so wrapped up in the moments and/or relationships, that I have a two track mind. Me and mine.

Conversely, in times of despair and confusion, I call on God to save me multiple times in a matter of minutes. My spirituality has taught me that my relationship with God will never waiver. It’s amazing how watching/listening to Joyce Meyer before I rise out of bed to start my day, tuning into the gospel radio station during my daily commute or giving God thanks for the great and even foolish people I encounter, gives my day and every moment within it a greater purpose.

Today I give thanks and praise to God for loving me unconditionally although my love for him has been conditional at times. I’m grateful for the discernment God has provided me with that I need to improve my on and off again spiritual connection in order to keep joy within my heart. I realized today that I have always been forgiven and welcomed to talk to God no matter how high my sins stacked. Therefore, I need to extend a more forgiving and non judgmental heart to others. I’m forever indebted due to having the most loving figure known to man to talk to on the loneliest of nights. My debts will be repaid by loving and appreciating myself and my family more, proactively serving the community and extending agape love to every soul that crosses paths with mine. I will be as merciful to others as God is to me.

A(she) and A(men)

Luke 6:36

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

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     Most will say that the last few days of the year should be spent in reflection. Others even go as far as strategizing how the first week of the new year will be spent. Believing that how you bring in the year is how the rest of the year will go. Admittedly, I’ve tried all these tactics in my past. I took a vow of silence the last 48 hours of 2011, in the hopes of receiving divine direction. It was the most peaceful two days I encountered. However, the year that followed was the most treacherous.

     2012 has a been a year of self discovery for me. Partly from forced life lessons, others I searched for. What I’ve come to learn is that peaceful moments will always reveal themselves when a person is in search of it. However, it’s the maintenance of peacefulness that we seem to struggle with the most. The wrestling of our spirits is what keeps many of us up at night or knelt in prayer. Our spirits act as if it’s imprisoned within us.

     At this same time last year, during my fast from speaking, I allowed my spirit to rest. As a result, I received the answers from God that I was looking for. Prayer, fasting and reading spiritual literature allowed me to subdue logical thinking that was blocking any other voice besides my own. Although, I hear God’s voice more frequently now, my own inner voice is still the loudest and has the most impact.

God’s voice told me go,
my own voice told me to stay.
Stay comfortable.

God’s voice told you to go,
your own voice told you to stay.
Stay safe.

     We have become a nation of comfortably safe insomniacs. We’ve slept walked into a time when Mayan culture predicted wouldn’t exist. We’ve witnessed the mass murdering of babies in a fashion we never would’ve dreamed of. The desire to remain asleep should be no more.

     The media laughed and corporations capitalized off the Mayan philosophy of our world coming to an end. No attention was paid to the additional aspects of their theory that this age in time could not be predicted as the “dead is to be born again”. Today, more than ever life is what you make of it. How can we live life to its fullest half awake?

     As many of the world’s inhabitants were preparing for the world to end, others mocked the predicted concept. There are few who prepared for their calling to teach to be revealed. Faith is a learned and re-learned belief. It’s the enlightened ones who allowed the imprisonment of their spirit, God’s voice, to start a new beginning by experiencing freedom. A purposed filled life isn’t birthed until your voice repeats that of God’s and your feet begin to walk down your newly claimed cleared path. According to the book of James, “for the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.”

     As 2013 approaches, reflect on all your previous reflections you have yet to act upon. I guarantee nights will become more restful and smiles will become a more frequently seen fixture on your face once you accept your membership as apart of the Holy Trinity. Your spirit should not be competing with the views of the world or your ego. In 2013, stop thinking so much….and just DO. Just GO! Just BE PURPOSELY HAPPY!

I committed mail fraud
the day I confiscated my son’s note to Santa
a criminal act done out of heart felt intentions
to make a little boy’s eyes light up
as bright as the remaining working bulbs on our
anorexic, vertically challenged tree.

A crime of passion
with limited unhappy consequences
well so I thought…
especially since the ghosts of Christmas past
has known me to be the only parental helper
Santa has for him

My son’s seasonal wish list
with hand sketched hearts for postage
unintentionally excluding a destination of return if unread
innocence still gives him the confidence that all wishes can come true
when you believe with your whole heart,
so he made sure not to leave any white marks
in-between the red outlines.

As I unsealed the envelope shaped construction paper,
the cracks in our family structure became visible
avoidance is longer a strong enough adhesive
to seal emotional wounds

He wrote:

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is for my dad
to come and play with me
so I can tell him I forgive him and love him

Please and thank you.

On Christmas Eve,
instead of wrapping gifts
I knelt in prayer for a Christmas miracle
for Santa to deliver potential impossibilities down the chimney.

I hope the North Pole UPS workers delivered my letter.

I wrote:

Dear Santa:

Don’t let my son’s heart turn into coal

Please, I beg of you

Bah! Humbug!

For forty days and for forty nights…
I cried.
Tears rolling from my cheeks to silk bed linen,
the outline of wetness on my pillow case
resembles a shallow river.
Man made by me and my shallow emotions

Poor me.
Fuck you and
They ain’t shit
are the echoed sentiments
that bounce from my brain,
to my mouth.
From my mouth,
to my heart
until the grief decides to reside in my stomach.
No wonder I can’t achieve that 6 pack.

I’m full of it.
Full of confusion,
full of doubt
and the weight of my worries have me sinking.
Tears from everything opposite of joy,
is drowning my faith.
I’m caught knee-deep in other people’s crap
and I’m up to my neck in debt

Sink or Swim?
Where is my life guard?

Sink or Swim?
Who is my life guard?

The feeling of drowning above water
closes the hope chest containing my soul.
Now I’m having panic attacks
I need a breath of fresh air,
a little assistance to revive my reason
for believing in better.

Who can provide it
when mouths surrounding me are tainted like mine
swampy mixtures of complaints, self grief and pity
slobbing down their cheeks
hunger in their eyes,
ready to sink their teeth into my vulnerability.
I’m bleeding for more.

Sink or Swim?
I call out for a life guard

My wounds have made me weary
I just need a little bit of rest
I no longer can fight the waves of life
– sink or swim –
that come crashing down on me

Sinking –
I call out to God,
“wake up, shouting,
Lord save me!
I’m going to drown”
Sink or Swim?

“He got up and rebuked the wind
and the raging waters; the storm subsided,
and all was calm”  Luke 8:24

I hear God say:
Baby girl, just because you was sleeping on me,
doesn’t mean I was sleep
I’ve been waiting on you to wake up
and gain vision through discernment that
I’m the one that’s always had your back.

God told me:
I didn’t give you eyes in the back of your head
simply because you’re supposed to trust me
not the digits in your bank account
your girlfriend’s worldly wisdom
or the lies told by a man, you believe,
because he knows more of my scriptures than you do
I know what’s best for you!

Swim

I gave God my hand,
my worries,
my guilt,
my future
and he led me back to dry land
where my wounds would heal
and the ability to live self-inflicted pain-free
strengthens my faith
allowing me to walk the path to prosperity
God paved for me

“My ears shall hear a word behind me, saying
‘This is the way, walk in it’
whenever I turn to the right hand or whenever  turn to the left” Isaiah 30:21

I became familiar again with the realization
that for forty days,
forty nights,
every remaining moment of my life,
God continues to take care of me,
never-ceasing to save me.

He guards my life.
 

©2012 Tenisha M Jones

 

The destination of this new found path we’re on
has our hands intertwined,
faces smiling,
my steps are slightly behind yours,
hearts blinded…
to whispered wished stop signs
by those who’s thoroughfare to self love is still under construction

This journey was a turn in the right direction that I almost missed
my mental road map was full of inked life lines
that had me in continual circles of disappointment
all in an attempt to find myself

I didn’t know where I was going,
I was fearful of the increased speed required by higher ways
that would land me at the starting point of my purpose
new territories made me feel timid
and although all signs read only the strong survive
I kept missing the message
due to my lack of third eye foresight

I wanted to live, life
instead of letting life dictate how I live
driving me crazy
self imposed
complacent cruise control
had me going nowhere

Until I gave you the wheel
and stopped fighting your attempts
to reach for my hand every time I pulled away
you found lost ways to make my frowns scatter
never failing to place me on your shoulders
when I couldn’t take another step
I let you chip away at the hardness of my life
to soften my heart

As a passenger with a window seat
I began seeing the color of flowers
clouds now had the shape of animals and letters to me
the grass appeared greener
I watched the height of birds
and envisioned how high I can soar with you

I can now embrace you
free of feeling awkward
and proclaim in a loud whisper
I’ll go where you want to me to go
my steps will follow the direction of your footprints
down the path to life’s joy

My walk with God…

(not sure how I’m ending it yet)

©2012 Tenisha M Jones

 

IF YOU ENJOY MY WORK, PLEASE CONSIDER PURCHASING MY FIRST SELF PUBLISHED CHAPBOOK – A GEMINI’S SYLLOGISM FOR $10.  https://tenishajones.com/2012/01/19/373/

OR CONTACT ME AT tenishamjones@yahoo.com TO FIND OUT HOW TO ORDER A COPY OR USE THIS EMAIL AND SEND THE $10 TO MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT.

“The construction of words
used to form a poem
follows the melody of lead
harmonizing with tattered paper
that calms the pulsating pain
of a wounded soul
wrapped so tightly in hope
that the feeling of failure
can’t circulate in the hearts
of those that read the constructed stanzas”
©2011 Tenisha M Jones

Many of us believe and preach that the tongue is one of man’s most powerful weapons. As a poet, I write out my dreams because I believe I can truly bring words to life.  Currently, I try not to  mention the past in my pieces unless I’m speaking of a solution.  The past is behind me and verbal repetition of my mistakes causes wounds to remain open.  I’m on a path of healing myself from the nasty combination of diseases self loathing, procrastination and naysaying thoughts. 

Maybe odd to some,  but I strongly believe continual ungrateful, envious, and/or doubtful thought patterns-become engrained and registered in your brain’s chemical make up.  This is what causes true innovative imagination to be displayed as nightmarish scenes that kills belief in one’s self.  The recapping of demonic images spews pessimistic energy attracting bullshit circumstances and like-minded people who have a passion for hating life.  But at one point,  the burden of hatred – “I hate we didn’t work out, I hate I didn’t get that job, I hate her ass looks better than mine, I hate this city” – fills souls and leaves little room for joy.  We would all love to enjoy living more, but we have to re-train our brains.  Once this process begins. positive thoughts yield positive words and actions.

Members of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have a lot in common, we want to live a life clean and sober of  harmful patterns.  It’s a daily struggle.  The recovery is ongoing for me because after 30 years of conditioning, I’m addicted to dissatisfaction.  The feeling of never having enough of what I want doesn’t escape me for long.  And I know better.

Mental rehabilitation is Step 0 in any recovery program.  The transformation to a positive person from a negative person can’t be done overnight.  But it can be accomplished.  While doing research online, I came across these steps of personal accountability to help implement mental rehabilitation:

*We admit we were powerless over addictions—that our lives had become unmanageable.
*Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
*Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 
*Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
*Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
*Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
*Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
*Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
*Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
*Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
*Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 
*Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Does the above mentioned 12 steps sound familiar?  These outlined action items were proposed in 1939 by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous to assist in the “recovery from addiction, compulsion, or other behavioral problems“.  Denying oneself the ability to enjoy every moment of life is a compulsive behavioral problem that unfortunately too many of us suffer from. 

Due to the fact that detrimental thinking is the norm in this world, CDC has yet to label this condition as an ear born disease.  Yet it’s destroying our bodies by causing stress, crumbling the foundation of relationships due to lack of self-worth and diminishing hope that dreams are obtainable. 

I’m tired of suffering from it and I am on my way to recovering the optimistic pieces of me.  I need the help of my readers.  Those that are having a hard time remaining blissful and excited about the realities and lessons of life, make your views anonymous.  The tongue is one of the universe’s most powerful weapons and I’ve chosen to use mine’s to save lives.  Can I be your sponsor?

Aspiring Fire Starter

I’m a fire putter outer
who wants to be an arsonist when I grow up
I battle which title suites me best everyday

I’m a fire fighter corporately
receiving a pay check for
saving the CEO and VP’s from moving into middle class homes
by ignoring the elimination of moral attributes that’ll make their stock options burn
like truth

I withstand third degree damage to the passions etched in my soul
by making sure the company’s money don’t go up in smoke
 continuously extinguishing the dissatisfaction for my career with fear
that if my company implodes my cash flow will become smithereens
causing the security of my household to go up in flames
or the illusion of security

For its foundation was built from inherited intentions to possess joy
a faulty replicated blue print to the American Dream
that was sketched out all wrong
 impersonal to me
and I’m strategically trying to tear it down
by swapping out my unsupported vision for myself
with my family’s nutty ass generational tradition
to always work for someone else

That mentally is rusted

But for nearly 30 years it was engrained in me
I’m still suffering the consequences of swallowing poisonous verbal elixirs
that dictated beliefs that there are long term benefits
to debt for a college degree
a piece of paper that labels me as intellectually trainable
to successfully complete the university’s guideline
on the Corporate America way of thinking

The poison still flows through my veins
making my aspirations for myself seem like manic breakdowns
I’m counseled by parental pep talks given in masked upbeat tones
attempting to give a lecture the power of a speech
by placing conviction on the wrong side of the scale of what ifs

I’m a lecture learner 
who followed the instructions of my primary teachers the creator assigned to me
giving self diagnoses to thoughts of me being great as psychotic episodes
Repetitious word play trained me to take misguided steps
on a path cleared for me
before I even took my first breath

My profession is suffocating me
and on some catch 22 shit,
it’s my life line
it supports me
chokingly
I’m barely able to inhale positive possibility

Firefighters know how to breathe with limited air
so I mechanically go through the required daily motions
to make sure my family survives
and financially fuel the glow in my son’s eyes
for he wants to have a greater impact than a star
so he makes 3 wishes while gazing at the moon
and I refuse to correct him
he deserves more than to humbly belief in himself

I want to raise his internal fire so that traces of self doubt will be incinerated
into disposable ashes that can easily be brushed off his shoulders
But in order to breathe life into him,
keep the fire blazing within him
I need my air back

The size of my paycheck  doesn’t negate the fact that oxygen is free
but 40 hours of smothered creativity leaves me with less accelerant
and takes me away from my use of tools to ignite personalized dreams
A pen and a pad accompanied by lungs full of air
exhaling reassurance that being who we truly desire to be is obtainable

I want to be an arsonist that assists in the rekindling of uncaptured dreams
but first I have to promote myself to a higher level of spiritually and self belief
When I grow to that level, I’ll turn in my current worn out badge for one that reads
Fire starter

I’m the propellant behind the dangerous duo consisting of my son and I
Take cover-
we about to blow shit up!

©2011 Tenisha M Jones

Last school year marked my son’s introduction to the academia world as he started kindergarten.  As most parents on their child’s first day of school, I had a variety of emotions.  Elation because my child care expenses decreased almost $4000 annually.  Pride because by the grace of God I survived 6 years as a single parent and my child has never went without and he was well prepared for school academically.  Conversely, I felt concern because who was going to protect him when his feelings got hurt for the first time by a class mate?  I felt fearful that he would forget what bus to ride home on or get off at the wrong bus stop.  I was a Bi-Polar mom for weeks before his first “big” day. 

However, my son conceptualized his crossing over into the big boy world as a day that he earned.  With two and half years of Tai Kwon Do Training and being the only student in his Pre-K class that could read a full book, he had the confidence of a second grader and the reasoning of a future millionaire.  “Why should I be scared to walk through doors that were meant for me to walk through” is what his body language said to me as he strutted to begin a new chapter in his life.

At that moment, I made the decision to turn the pages of complacency and fear and begin a new chapter of my own.  I always want my son and I to be on similar pages.  Not because I’d like to digress to a child like status nor because I want him to mature well before his time.  It’s because I want to be able to show him through action and communication that the lessons of life will never cease.  Both he and I will always be forced to learn more in order to graduate to the next level. I want him to see that I’m capable of understanding the mess ups, uncertainty, struggles in remaining humble, not giving 100% – 100% of the time as well as celebrate small and giant victories.  That very same night, I walked into Charlotte’s legendary poetry venue, The Wine-Up, and began my career as a spoken word artist.  Months following, I added freelance writer to my resume.

I’ve never looked back and each month since I’ve made substantial progress in my future full-time career path. “Why should I be scared to walk through doors that were meant for me to walk through” is what my faith has taught me.  Unlike my son, my spirit is void of innocence and I hold on to the fear of failure. Fear leaves smaller soul scars than defeat.  The words fearless and faithful can be interchanged and still have the same grammatical meaning.  Think about it, the first week of my son’s school year, I was fearful of the unknown.  The confidence he displayed and his actions of doing the right things gave me the faith my baby was going to be all right even in the unknown. 

Last week, when First Grade began for my son, I started reflecting on our growth over the past year.  I’m astonished, yet not surprised.  We are both purposed filled vessels, floating until we arrive at our ordained locations-together.

Parents, are we asking our children to elevate themselves yet remaining stagnate ourselves?  Each day we prepare our children to be the best they can be by ensuring they have a good breakfast, they are well-groomed and fulfilling their teachers’ requirements.  But are we preparing ourselves to reach God’s requirements of us?  Are we taking time to study our history, to calculate what’s missing from the equation of our success, taking any physical ed classes to maintain our health or meditating to increase or brain and emotional power? 

Each school year starts with a list of goals that the student needs to accomplish to move on to the next level.  A written barometer is given quarterly to separate strengths and weaknesses to help the student gauge if they’re on the right track or if the initial bar was set too low.  Priorities of  where to place the most emphasis must be shifted all the time from math to science to reading.  The beauty of children is they don’t know what they don’t know, which gives them flexibility minus the attitude of fearful resistance. 

The beauty of adults is we don’t know what we don’t know – but what makes life ugly to most of us is we think we know.  Resisting our destiny.  If you’ve never tried to make substantial changes in your life, you don’t what you’re capable of and you’ve probably never experienced true success.  I challenge you to do your own homework tonight while sitting next to your child(ren) as they do theirs.  List out what you want to acquire and/or accomplish for yourself this school year.  Make a list of 100 things even including items and experiences you feel you are inexperienced for or don’t deserve.  Each night afterwards, evaluate why you currently don’t have the items or life that you desire and what first steps you need to take to start walking your destined path.  Faith without action is fear.  Encouraging faithfulness in our children with fear in our eyes and lives, makes us hypocrites and liars.

It takes 9 months (10 technically but roll with me here) to birth a child, a unique creation from our universal father.  Let’s birth a dream in 9 months and make an effort every day to nurture it’s growth.  I started my own list last week and I would love to hear if my readers are accepting this challenge and some of the items on their list.  Why should we be scared to walk through doors that were meant for us to walk through?

“It takes wisdom to solve a problem
and precise calculations are impossible with a lot of unknowns
many of life’s obstacles can’t be guessed through
instead of continual fuck up tumblings
that has scarred your knees, hands, face and faith
retreat
become familiar with the surroundings you now stand in
and calculate who you are in the present”
©2011 Tenisha M Jones