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I committed mail fraud
the day I confiscated my son’s note to Santa
a criminal act done out of heart felt intentions
to make a little boy’s eyes light up
as bright as the remaining working bulbs on our
anorexic, vertically challenged tree.

A crime of passion
with limited unhappy consequences
well so I thought…
especially since the ghosts of Christmas past
has known me to be the only parental helper
Santa has for him

My son’s seasonal wish list
with hand sketched hearts for postage
unintentionally excluding a destination of return if unread
innocence still gives him the confidence that all wishes can come true
when you believe with your whole heart,
so he made sure not to leave any white marks
in-between the red outlines.

As I unsealed the envelope shaped construction paper,
the cracks in our family structure became visible
avoidance is longer a strong enough adhesive
to seal emotional wounds

He wrote:

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is for my dad
to come and play with me
so I can tell him I forgive him and love him

Please and thank you.

On Christmas Eve,
instead of wrapping gifts
I knelt in prayer for a Christmas miracle
for Santa to deliver potential impossibilities down the chimney.

I hope the North Pole UPS workers delivered my letter.

I wrote:

Dear Santa:

Don’t let my son’s heart turn into coal

Please, I beg of you

Bah! Humbug!

“Making it easy, for the clean-up woman, to steal my man’s love”

 
Who me?
You can’t be talking to me
as if a woman like myself
would want to take that position
in any man’s life knowingly.
 
I’ve always had a distaste for leftovers
and I wasn’t hungry for what I’ve never had,
until he came along.
 
When he was served to me,
his plate appeared to be completely clean
no emotional residue left behind by you
he assured me,
he had room to carry both my son and I
he promised me,
he would position me in such a way
that only the finest garnishments would be placed on me
He knew just the right spices to add to my life
a worry-less mind
daydream induced smiles
made me sweeter.
 
I had no clue he was attempting to offset
the bitterness you left on his heart
like an invisible mildew
A modern day alchemist is what he is
turning shit to sugar
his pet name for me is what he prayed you could be
sweetie
 
I helped him turn back time
he’s at a place of happiness again
but I had no idea he was lost
still trying to find his way back
from the fork in the road you two paved
with a foundation less sturdy than quicksand
 
He never told me
the reason he feel in love with me
was because I stopped his heart from sinking
I wanted to be this man’s wife
not his fucking lifeguard
 
Shit I’m asthmatic
and loving a man who’s emotionally
coupled to another woman
is a never ending battle
that I may not have enough wind for
I repetitively use too much breath
repeatedly asking him to mark visible boundaries
that’s as clear to you as the stretch marks you earned
as the mother of his child
See there’s lines that you need not cross now
the happy beating side of his heart
the parts of his brain that still believes in his own dreams
I worked to revive that!
 
My hands are calloused from holding this shovel of hope
trying to cover the underlying issue
in my relationship with him
he still wants to create memories with you
while I’m trying to keep that part of his life buried
so he can live life with me
 
I’m tired of fighting with him
not because of what I do or don’t do
but because he refuses to accept
that he’s not over you
my heart can no longer be used as a rag
attempting to shine up your trash
to be my treasure
I want to be the only woman living in his heart
not the servant,
cleaning up the mess you two made
 
I quit
 
© 2012 Tenisha M Jones

I posed a question to a group of girlfriends regarding communication issues within relationships.  Reason being, I came to a point in my own relationship, that I wanted to lead by example.  However,  I’m admittedly an untrained teacher.  My friend suggested that I read the book Love Dare written by Alex and Stephen Kendrick as a guide.  She mentioned her marriage was positively impacted by applying the principles learned in the book.

I must say that Love Dare, based off the movie Fireproof,  will be added to my list of literature that altered my process of thinking and actions.  The biggest take away for me after watching the film, is that submitting to unconditional love is a choice.  Without a doubt it’s one of the biggest and most rewarding decisions a human can ever make.  Conjointly, I accepted a new ideology on love –  love in its purest form is loving with every fiber you’re made of, expecting nothing in return from your loved ones.

The poem below was inspired by the film Fireproof.

“Loving is living simply because love creates life
and if the world we live in is full of boundless possibilities
why is it that love has so many barriers,
self-imposed restrictions
a most wanted list of superficial needs
a defined definite number of forgiveness passes

And we wonder why love don’t last
instead of offering up our last
we stop at half
fractionating the relationships in US communities
by using generational ass backwards math

A full circle never equated to 100%
and if you’re only willing to go half the distance
on a cut off, society drawn up road map
that statistically has taken marriages down the wrong path 41% of the time
then you won’t be able to comprehend
sticking it out when love starts to burn
and offer selfless self-sacrifice in order to douse the flames
you may or may not have cooked up
see fault is irrelevant when your home is crumbling to an unidentified house
sometimes you have to lose yourself to save your father’s inheritance

So let your heart boil to pure gush at the point of 212◦
the atmospheric changes will elevate your thoughts and actions
your ability to love beyond conditions
your patience to solve a problem when the solution isn’t easily divisible by two
x plus you has to equate to 360, symbolized by a wedding ring

Achievers always keeps the end goal in mind
so don’t proclaim to be marriage material
or a good husband or wife
when you’re only willing to work at it part-time
inhibited from giving more than your perceived all
due to an ailment that has made generations of men fall
pride.

Love and pride don’t mix like two people and one wish
you find yourself in serious…
a seriously lonely place
and although we all came in this world alone
no one wants to die that way
so love everyday with the end in mind
it’s the greatest gift ever to be bestowed on you in your lifetime
but you have to work hard to keep it indestructible
damn near fireproof…”   

©2012 Tenisha M Jones

Yesterday, we argued
Today, I sit
eyes swollen from lack of sleep
tears flooded out my sweet dreams
creating a marsh of hurt and disappointment
and now the vision of our future is blurred

Love definetly makes you blind,
my heart has blacked out
dark hope adds more weight to it
making my medium body frame too heavy
I can’t find the strength to lift these bed sheets off my body,
I’ve flat lined emotionally,
mentally attempting to repent the verbal sins committed…
ego destruction,
refusal to turn the other cheek,
denial of loving our lover,
in a way that we want to be loved
–just for that brief moment

But at this moment,
my soul is in a temporary hell
I’m so hot…
heated…
burned up on the inside
wiping away tears steaming down my face at the same velocity of sweat
but ironically, we don’t seem to be working out

I’m paralyzed by fear and awe-struck at the same time
watching this man made fire ignite to the level
of causing injury in our relationship-
a work of art that people once gaped at
our beauty fades as fatal wounds on our pride appear
and we may not be able to survive from this

Suicide breeds guilt
the signs that were there,
we’ve both witnessed before
emotions overruled wisdom
and we both chose the wrong ammo to fight with

Communication is the most powerful and underused tool we have
its versitile purpose
shoots out comfort in being heard
and solutions to douse out problematic  fires
Where did we place our finger, when emotions were triggered?
Other than each other’s face?

It’s hard to rebuild a burnt bridge
damn near impossible,
when I can’t even find the strength to get out of bed

Love’s Death Bed

©2012 Tenisha M Jones

SINGING “The sweetest thing I’ve ever known, was like a kiss on the collarbone”

…and the seductiveness of that moment
stays with me throughout the day
love muscles twitch and squeeze tightly from flash backs
until moistness in your play area
abruptly ends my day dreams
I want to run to my boss and say
I must leave work early today

My stomach feels queasy from nonstop fluttering
I’m barely able to stand on legs that has the strength of a wuss
palpitations of a fast beating heart
makes my eyes water, crying out your name
I have to get another dose of medicine
I’ve been poisoned by my orgasmic lust for you
and you’re my doctor and the antidote

SINGING “And when I get this feeling, I need sexual healing”

Kiss me gently on the forehead
using your lips to verify my whole body is feverish
affirming I’m hot for you

Make me better

Examine the deepness of my throat
dispense a liquid elixir to take away my dry mouth
put on your glove,
to complete the rest of this physical exam
while tickling the trigger spot on my neck
with the tip of your tounge
the sensation takes my breath away
bringing the tempo of my beating heart down

My breathing synchronizes with yours
and after three short moans
shoot me with your long hooked magic stick
pain never felt so good

SINGING “The make it alrighter
                   The get you through the nighter
                  The bad times undoer
                  The joy bringer
                 The love giver
                 He is…. ”

Yes, you are painfully pleasurable
I moan as you thrust inside me
requesting open hand smacks on my ass
inciting you to go harder
my screams you never try to muffle
you smile when the neighbors greet you by your name
every time you make house calls
you’re the angelic twin of Dr. Death
curing my love illness
yet at the same time,
reviving it all over again

Copyright 2012 Tenisha M Jones

Looking in your eyes, gives me a glimpse of my future
and its brightness illuminates my hope in myself
making me proud of the woman I’m becoming
all while recognizing I’m not quite who I should be
and although your words and actions raise my confidence
I’m unborn to real love, yet nearly ready to call you Daddy

I want to place my heart in your calloused hands
but can you protect it from your inherited roughness
by shedding decades of your layered dead skin
causing you to go back to the smoothness of infancy
before you knew what love’s disappointment felt like
after working so hard to keep it
can I call you my baby as love is born again birth defect free

Continue to mentally make love to me as your words penetrate my soul
I want you to go hard to get me stimulated
ram my brain with your pleasantries so we can cum to trust each other
and conceive a new found comfort
I know commitment isn’t birthed overnight
so let’s allow love to take it’s time to grow inside both of us

Plant the seed of exclusivity
and I’ll carry your spirit with me at all times
while nurturing your every need
call me Mommy

Use my breast as a pillow to nurse the frustrations of the world away
suckle my positive energy so that handsome smile of yours stays-
while I’m cradled in your arms in a fetal position
I love it when you rock me to sleep
penetrating my canals so deeply
that when you exit me, I go through separation anxiety

I cry from hunger for you
gently stroke my face and wipe away the tears
hug me, whisper sweet reassurances in my ear
that my growth makes you proud
profess loudly to the world that I’m you’re little lady
show me by taking care of me, swaddle me tightly with honesty
so thoughts of us being together forever makes me warm inside

Teach me by example so submission becomes as natural as puberty
watch our money stacks get taller as I assist as your help mate to grow an empire
watch my hips spread as I entitle you my King and give you around the clock access to my empress
watch the tone in my voice when I speak of the feeling of being in love with you,
I’m now talking on some grown woman shit…

Giving you the confidence that you hold it down like a grown ass man
making you eventually ask for my hand…

Let’s raise love together.

©2011 Tenisha M Jones

 

IF YOU ENJOY MY WORK, PLEASE CONSIDER PURCHASING MY FIRST SELF PUBLISHED CHAPBOOK – A GEMINI’S SYLLOGISM FOR $10.  CONTACT ME AT tenishamjones@yahoo.com TO FIND OUT HOW TO ORDER A COPY OR USE THIS EMAIL AND SEND THE $10 TO MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT.

“Son we live in a world that has walls and those walls have to be guarded…”
Colonel Nathan R. Jessep played by Jack Nicholson

The first few months dating a new prospect you are becoming infatuated with the person’s representative.  Most single adults are aware of this simply because they are putting on a front too.  We’ve all been there, done that and keep doing it again.  In some instances, give the courtship 90 days and the person you are dating starts becoming everything you were hoping they wouldn’t be.  This person now is a champion playa, keeps a home so filthy that the door knob has dust, has replaced saying grace before meals with remarks like “this shit looks good” and has farts that sound so wet coming out that you throw up in your mouth a little bit. 

So what other choice do you have but to leave the walking ringworm?  If not,  you may be forced to sleep in shit stained sheets!  If you decide to leave, you more than likely will beat yourself up for lack of judgement.  You will put yourself through hours of self interrogation for not noticing the signs and/or ignoring the gut instinct that made your stomach churn when you wondered if they were the one.  Your daily prayer list has grown with the added request for an honest mate.

Just imagine receiving from a love interest what you state you desire in every mate – complete honesty.  What if the person revealed upfront that they are not exclusively dating anyone-and don’t plan to?  Acknowledging they only have time  to worry about their own needs.  Would you never speak to them again although you enjoy hanging out with them?  I think it’ll be a safe bet to assume that half of you would continue the game of cat and mouse.  Falsely believing that you have the emotional strength to stay in your lane.  Some may be ignorant enough to believe they can change their suitors minds. 

Lanes typically have a thick yet easily crossable line.  In the dating world it’s between friendship and fucking, homie and lover or should and shouldn’t.  Even knowing that your “friend” could care less about being considered marriage material, you still stick your toe across the line.  As if a tiny step makes you less susceptible to eventually having your feelings hurt than jumping in head first.  Regardless of knowing there is no chance in a cold hell that you and your “friend” will walk down the aisle in this lifetime, you still grow to like them.  You still choose to spend intimate moments with them.  You still choose to exchange fuck faces with them. Friends are friends because they like being around each other – right? 

It’s been my observation recently that today’s culture lacks self-control and we simply want what we want and worry about the consequences later.  Myself included.  However, all of us have to come to a point in our lives where instant gratification no longer excites us.  Especially if it devalues our long-term goals for ourselves.  So whether it be your gut instinct on the words coming out of someone’s mouth, listen to both and allow it to guide your actions.  Our creator only gives us what we can handle.  Frankly, a lot of us don’t want to handle to truth. Or a real relationship.

My First Starring Role

I’ve never loved a man
the way movies say I should
so the action…
the thought of it…
is make believe in my perception

I don’t want to make living without love my reality

So how do I turn my Life’s Channel
from Sex in the City to
The Little House on the Prairie
when I can’t seem to sit still long enough
to make it to the end of the film.

Bad endings give me nightmares

And with everyday we spend together
the plot just seems to thicken.

See I got an eye for good talent
and as you recite your lines
I’m thinking, damn he’s a good actor

But your spoken lines become pure hard facts
because you’ve put action behind it

Butterflies begin to form in my stomach
and I’m not sure if it’s from loving you
or my gut confusing anxiety with instincts
but shit..
I’m feeling woozy

And you sense my weakness

I’m trying to figure out what role will you play?
How will you take this discomfort away?

Will you be the villain who preys on my vulnerability
takes my powers and pushes me off the cliff
shattering my internal existence?

Or will you be my hero and catch me?
Shield me like a knight with shining armor
baby fight for my soul.

I HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON

This love story is too much

I stare at the frozen scene in front of me
and for the first time I see…
ME??

There’s a thin line between perception and reality
and before the director of my life casted you as
the leading actor in this love story
I was under the presumption that I was just a spectator
someone who purchased a wolf ticket for a documentary of bullshit.

But the reality is I’ve been the leading actress this whole time
how I recite my lines and put action behind it
will determine how this story ends as well.

The revelation pauses the me
that was on the outside looking in.

Now both me’s are motionless.

Staring at each other with that look
“girl get your shit right!
This could be the part of your lifetime”

As I evolve within myself
I develop the confidence and love of self so
that I can sit with you through this feature length film
and stand by you through whatever
Comedy
Drama
Family
A little Porn
if you forever stay a man of your word.

Give me love like the conviction in your lines say you want to

If you do-

This love story could play on forever

I’m ready for my first starring role

©2010 Tenisha M Jones

 

As most 30 plus single women, I too have had my share of dating and love horror stories.  Just like many horror films, many relationship endings can be predicted from the opening scene but we still subject ourselves to repetitious scenarios.  Predictably keeping our fingers crossed hoping that suspense becomes synonymous with sweet suddenness.  But I wonder if in relationships we treat humans as scripted puppets verses the ever evolving spiritual beings we are. 

History has proven that history repeats itself.  However, are red flags universal?  I’m starting to question the “Watch Out For The Red Flag” theory and dig more into the intentions of the person waving a subjectively seen flag.  After all, isn’t love suppose to be blind?

 

“I’m kinda scared to relinquish the truth
I’m petrified to admit my present view of you
is based upon the glimpses of them I can’t seem to escape
regardless of how many months, days or hours I’ve been without the ache

Your arms have been reaching out to penetrate my heart
and with every touch it becomes evident I’m still bruised underneath
so I jump, whence a little
and no matter how bad it hurts
I can’t expect you to be the doctor and operate it from my system
and nurse me to healing
while psyching me out
that my belief that I deserve better than what I’ve gotten in the past is true

You have your own healing to do…”
©2011 Tenisha M Jones

Releasing the fear of discomfort from running into your own walls must be done first to be truly blind to love.  Should you communicate your inability to let your heart lead you to your love interest?

Poor Pussy Logistics

In preparation to start competing in poetry slams, I told myself I need to write about more social issues versus love.  The first topic that came to mind, was what I despise the most in the black culture – the pure disrespect we can have for the other gender.  I believe it goes both ways, but I do believe the slandering of black men by black women have more long-term effects.  Furthermore, I’m raising a black man and I hate for him to experience some of the mental brutality our men face today. 

I stumbled across an article written on singleblackmale.org – Misandry: Will Women Ever Admit They Hate Men, and it started the creative juices flowing.  Dr. J, thanks for being the muse behind this piece:

IT’S THE MEDIA FAULT
for decades their subconscious voodoo
has corrupted a mass population
who finds it easier to side with the masses
befriending the spirit of our massas
accepting the demonic images of black men
served to us on cable stations we subscribe to
movie theaters we buy tickets to
and radio we play in the car…
deducting more funds out our bank account to pay for
the XM

Our X-Massas are rolling in their graves
not from dismay, but laughter
because the same shit us “negroes”
are demanding change for
you’ll spend your change for
so why would a for profit company change for us?

Instead of trying to save the world
start the paradigm of resifted thinking
in our own homes
and build the belief in the strength of the black man
so strong that the stench of sweat from
unwavering support leaks from our front doors onto the street
sort of like an airborne contagious love poison you catch
every time you look at the descendants of our tribal kings
and simultaneously take a breath

I hope it becomes a national outbreak
to cure our culture from poor pussy logistics
we all know men make decisions primarily for two reasons-
cash and ass
but sistas I hate to tell you
a lot of men ain’t getting their money’s worth
when spending to impress some of you

Somewhere between the Harlem Renaissance
and the birth of my baby boy
the boisterous harmonic gloats
of the beauty of our black men
has lost its flow

Instead of some of us black sistas
being the warehouse storing non-stop
praise, understanding and loyalty
we transport self-doubt into the black man’s brainwaves
by way of verbal disrespect
out in the open for all races to hear
integrating information like…
half our brothers are gay
or in jail
or making babies they neglect
labeling our inventory of black men as damaged goods
giving Soledad O’Brien two hours worth
of male nigga negativity to report on

Sistas, we’re handling their pride and ego
like it’s a replaceable material
but then get mad when images of us on their arm
are replaced with other women with different skin tones

Logistics involves a channel of supply
which adds value of time and place
so instead of focusing on how you can fuck a man right
evaluate how you’re treating your man
and contribute to him getting his mind right

A man will jump leaps and bounds for some good pussy
from the street corners to the boardroom
from the strip clubs to the front row church pews
from a boy to a man
IF we use the power of the pussy right

The next time you release your energy onto your man
whisper in his ear…
Baby I value you
Daddy I believe in you
most importantly, shout when you cum
King, I need you

Good loving will stay on his mind all day
the encouragement of a woman with good pussy
will stay with him a lifetime
logistically resulting in excellent finished goods
black men – who know they are appreciated, wanted and understood

Black women – it starts with you
©2011 Tenisha M Jones