For forty days and for forty nights…
I cried.
Tears rolling from my cheeks to silk bed linen,
the outline of wetness on my pillow case
resembles a shallow river.
Man made by me and my shallow emotions

Poor me.
Fuck you and
They ain’t shit
are the echoed sentiments
that bounce from my brain,
to my mouth.
From my mouth,
to my heart
until the grief decides to reside in my stomach.
No wonder I can’t achieve that 6 pack.

I’m full of it.
Full of confusion,
full of doubt
and the weight of my worries have me sinking.
Tears from everything opposite of joy,
is drowning my faith.
I’m caught knee-deep in other people’s crap
and I’m up to my neck in debt

Sink or Swim?
Where is my life guard?

Sink or Swim?
Who is my life guard?

The feeling of drowning above water
closes the hope chest containing my soul.
Now I’m having panic attacks
I need a breath of fresh air,
a little assistance to revive my reason
for believing in better.

Who can provide it
when mouths surrounding me are tainted like mine
swampy mixtures of complaints, self grief and pity
slobbing down their cheeks
hunger in their eyes,
ready to sink their teeth into my vulnerability.
I’m bleeding for more.

Sink or Swim?
I call out for a life guard

My wounds have made me weary
I just need a little bit of rest
I no longer can fight the waves of life
– sink or swim –
that come crashing down on me

Sinking –
I call out to God,
“wake up, shouting,
Lord save me!
I’m going to drown”
Sink or Swim?

“He got up and rebuked the wind
and the raging waters; the storm subsided,
and all was calm”  Luke 8:24

I hear God say:
Baby girl, just because you was sleeping on me,
doesn’t mean I was sleep
I’ve been waiting on you to wake up
and gain vision through discernment that
I’m the one that’s always had your back.

God told me:
I didn’t give you eyes in the back of your head
simply because you’re supposed to trust me
not the digits in your bank account
your girlfriend’s worldly wisdom
or the lies told by a man, you believe,
because he knows more of my scriptures than you do
I know what’s best for you!

Swim

I gave God my hand,
my worries,
my guilt,
my future
and he led me back to dry land
where my wounds would heal
and the ability to live self-inflicted pain-free
strengthens my faith
allowing me to walk the path to prosperity
God paved for me

“My ears shall hear a word behind me, saying
‘This is the way, walk in it’
whenever I turn to the right hand or whenever  turn to the left” Isaiah 30:21

I became familiar again with the realization
that for forty days,
forty nights,
every remaining moment of my life,
God continues to take care of me,
never-ceasing to save me.

He guards my life.
 

©2012 Tenisha M Jones

 

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