DISCLAIMER: I am not a trained relationship counselor and I’ve only taken one psychology class.  However, I’ve seen enough heartache, attended my fair amount of pity parties and passed plenty Kleenex to stop flows of tears that could create man-made lakes.  Therefore, I’m a self-proclaimed authority in unhealthy relationship avoidance. 

Although most would think the phrase “unhealthy relationship”  is a term that easily defines itself, it’s actually a subjective phrase.  I’ve found that those with a higher level of self-esteem have set definitive parameters in their relationships where the bullshit threshold begins and ends.  Conversely, there are more people who have yet to discover the euphoria of self-love and will put up with just about anything. 

It’s easy to be judgemental towards those who walk with their head hung low, heart in hand just ready to pass it on to any and everybody who will take it.  Finger pointing doesn’t solve the problem and in my opinion it perpetuates the pronounced problems in intimate relationships .  I believe that healthy relationships are formed from the contribution of learned attributes of two willing partners.  Attributes such as respect, honesty, humility etc, are not genetic.  They are acquired and should be a requirement. 

There’s many people with wisdom, gained from observation or first hand experience, on how to maintain a healthy relationship.  However, there’s a shortage of them that are willing to educate others.  It’s easy to nod in agreement while strumming the violin to the tunes of disappointment we hear in love one’s repetitive sob stories.  What’s not so easy is finding ways to recharge yourself once they have depleted every ounce of positive energy you held prior to being in their presence nd hearing the same crap again.  What’s not easy is knowing your love one’s desires for a healthy and loving relationship and witnessing them wallow in love affairs that are just the opposite.  What’s not easy is believing they are deserving of the love they give, but they don’t believe the same.

The one thing I’ve learned is you can’t tell someone to leave their existing relationship and actually expect them to do so.  On the other hand, you can structure a conversation by offering a few talking points in order for them to acknowledge some aspects of the relationship that appear shady as HELL!  Each one teach one has always been my motto. 

So, I’ve mapped out a plan for my fellow experts in unhealthy relationship avoidance.  We have to be of assistance to those that just don’t seem to know what they don’t know.  Stop handling them with kids gloves and give them a swift slap upside their heads with basic common sense. 

Here’s some talking points I’ve come up with.  The goal is after your love one hears themselves talk, they sound stupid to themselves. 

  • Does your woman spend more time with you than her children?  Does your man have child(ren) within 60 miles and sees them less than twice a month?  (Family should always come first)
  • Does her children have twice as many uncles than she has brothers?  Have you met his child(ren) yet?  If yes, how soon did you get introduced to them? (Discretion around their child(ren))
  •  Has your man ever lived by himself?  Exactly how many women houses has he lived at? (Leadership, Experienced at being head of the household)
  • Do they spend more money on alcohol and/or drugs than they save? (Priorities)
  • Is she ungrateful for any night out where you’ve spent less than $50?  Is his only idea of a date is sitting on the couch, smoking Keisha and watching a boot leg movie? (Relationship Intentions/Purpose)
  • Doe she say all men are dogs?  Does he use the term “bitch” to describe more woman than using first names? (Perspective of the opposite gender)
  • What is their two-year plan? Do you see them implementing it now? (Are they walking or just talking?)

Communication is the key in any relationship.  As a whole, when giving and receiving advice, human nature is to talk to AT someone versus talking TO them.  I hope my observations allowed you to think about how you give advice and also how you receive it.  I’m still learning myself.

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