My First Starring Role

I’ve never loved a man
the way movies say I should
so the action…
the thought of it…
is make believe in my perception

I don’t want to make living without love my reality

So how do I turn my Life’s Channel
from Sex in the City to
The Little House on the Prairie
when I can’t seem to sit still long enough
to make it to the end of the film.

Bad endings give me nightmares

And with everyday we spend together
the plot just seems to thicken.

See I got an eye for good talent
and as you recite your lines
I’m thinking, damn he’s a good actor

But your spoken lines become pure hard facts
because you’ve put action behind it

Butterflies begin to form in my stomach
and I’m not sure if it’s from loving you
or my gut confusing anxiety with instincts
but shit..
I’m feeling woozy

And you sense my weakness

I’m trying to figure out what role will you play?
How will you take this discomfort away?

Will you be the villain who preys on my vulnerability
takes my powers and pushes me off the cliff
shattering my internal existence?

Or will you be my hero and catch me?
Shield me like a knight with shining armor
baby fight for my soul.

I HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON

This love story is too much

I stare at the frozen scene in front of me
and for the first time I see…
ME??

There’s a thin line between perception and reality
and before the director of my life casted you as
the leading actor in this love story
I was under the presumption that I was just a spectator
someone who purchased a wolf ticket for a documentary of bullshit.

But the reality is I’ve been the leading actress this whole time
how I recite my lines and put action behind it
will determine how this story ends as well.

The revelation pauses the me
that was on the outside looking in.

Now both me’s are motionless.

Staring at each other with that look
“girl get your shit right!
This could be the part of your lifetime”

As I evolve within myself
I develop the confidence and love of self so
that I can sit with you through this feature length film
and stand by you through whatever
Comedy
Drama
Family
A little Porn
if you forever stay a man of your word.

Give me love like the conviction in your lines say you want to

If you do-

This love story could play on forever

I’m ready for my first starring role

©2010 Tenisha M Jones

 

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